I'm a Sap

For about the first 2 1/2 hours of my flight today, I was like waterworks. A tear would escape my eye every so often pretty much from the beginning of the movie. What was showing? PS I Love You. I hadn't seen it before and I didn't know the story going into it. I'll get more into the story of the movie in a little bit, but first another reason it set me off. If you haven't seen the movie, and don't want it spoiled, stop reading now.

The character Gerard Butler plays is named Gerry Kennedy. Gerry dies very early in the movie of a brain tumor. This reminded me of Gerry Coffey, a former bartender at the Grasshopper who died much too young of a sudden brain tumor. Gerry Coffey passed away about 10 years ago now. Sadly, I don't remember the day, let alone the year anymore. Back in the good old days, Gerry and Murph (Mike Murphy) could be found tending bar at the hopper. Shelia would work during the day and on Sunday nights, and Timmy would fill in here and there. No one had a bad word to say about Gerry. When he did pass away, a fund raiser was held at the grasshopper to help pay part of the medical bills and to help the family out. His widow ended up moving back to Ireland to be with family. I truly miss Gerry. And Murph (Murph moved back to Ireland about a year later, although I did see him briefly at Timmy's wedding- on a side note, what does it say when you are invited to your bartender's wedding?)

In addition to missing the people, I miss that time. I had friends then. It's not that I don't have friends now, but things have changed. We've all gotten older. Things are more complicated. People are married. People have kids. We can't stay out and party all the time. I guess you could say I never really took full advantage of that time, and I want it back.

Back to the movie- there are many times throughout the movie where I would well up. What Gerry (the character) was able to bring to Holly beyond the grave was amazing. That he thought to do that was brilliant. That she followed the letters was great and a tribute to their love. What disturbs me is that I don't have anyone in my life who would care enough about me to write the letters if they were in a similar situation, nor do I have someone to write the letters to if something were to happen to me.

I have some good friends, but no true loves right now, and I don't know that I ever did. To go back to the grasshopper, I remember when I found out that Timmy was getting married. I was living with C at the time, and I asked him how did he know that she (Lea, his wife) was the one. He answered very succinctly, in perhaps the best bartender wisdom I've ever heard "If you have to ask, she's not the one." I cared about C very deeply then, but I realized right then that it probably wasn't going to happen (never mind any of the other issues).

When I do pass on, I hope to have a service similar to Gerry Kennedy's in the movie. It was held at a bar, and everyone, including the minister, did a shot individually as a toast to his life. I've always admired the Irish I've met. They ALWAYS know how to have a good time. They know to celebrate while mourning. Go the Grasshopper on a Sunday night. ANY Sunday night and the Bergen and Hudson Country Irish are there well represented, dressed up having a good time in a traditional Seisun.

Needless to say, the movie was a tearjerker, and reminded me of a happier, younger time in my life.

Something Really cool

I stumbled on this today on youtube. It's pretty damn cool, and reminds me of what I want to do, and will make it my goal to do this summer. I'll expand on that later. For now, here's a link to a cool video.

getting over the vulcan death flu...

I'm not quite sure what it is that I have, but I like to refer to it as the plague or the vulcan death flu. I did finally get some medication, and it is helping me to slowly win the battle. I did manage to strain a muscle in my back from coughing. That's not fun. I'm still sore, and I still do have an occasional cough. It's much tamer now than it has been for the past few weeks, so I was finally able to get my hair cut. (I was afraid to get it cut- My thinking was that I'll go into a coughing spasm right when the scissors are by my head, and I'd end up with all sorts of cuts on my head.)

I leave for Phoenix this afternoon, where the forecast is for highs in the high 70's to mid 90's while I'm there. I'm psyched for that. No rain in the forecast (although with our luck on race weekends this year, I'm sure it'll rain in the desert.) Leaving for Phoenix did make me realize a minor hardship. I started taking my anti-biotics in Dallas. I was taking it a noon everyday. You're supposed to take it at the same time every day. That means, here in NY, I'll take mine at 1pm today. Tomorrow, in AZ, I'll be taking it at 10am.

Speaking of Phoenix, it's a Saturday night race, but we're on the air on Thursday afternoon. And Thursday evening. And Thursday Night. Same holds true for Friday. We'll end up working 4 consecutive 15-18 hour days, with an hour drive to the hotel tacked on there for good measure. Not exactly the best way to get healthier, huh?

On a good note, Shrek is coming back to work this week. We're not letting him do much in terms of physical labor, and we'll be keeping an eye on him to watch for the length of days. Last year after I had my hydrocele operation, Phoenix was my first week back at work. The ground where we park is very loose. I was constantly having to watch my step to make sure I didn't slip and cause any damage to the surgical area. I got tired very easily there, and left early several times in Phoenix opting for rest over greed. I imagine (and hope) Shrek may be doing the same thing. The determined that he had a mild heart attack, because of the lack of potassium. I think we've all been sufficiently scared by that.

I seeked professional help

I know you could say I need professional help in many areas, but in this case I'm talking about my health- not my mental health.

I realized when I checked into this hotel that the last time I was staying here was when I first got this cold. That was in mid-January. Since then, it mostly went away, but I never really got rid of the annoying cough. The cold/cough has been making it's way around the crew that I travel with, and last week, I got hit with it pretty hard again.

I tried to tough it out again, but I just couldn't do it. Today I went to see a medical professional and was diagnosed with Acute Infectious Bronchitis. I was running a fever, and both my pulse and blood pressure were elevated. I was given an antibiotic to take for the next 7 days, and hopefully that will finally get this out of me.

It's now 7:30pm here, the sun is back out (after a nice hail inducing thunderstorm) and I'm going to bed. I've taken my NyQuil for the night, so I'll be asleep for 5-6 hours until the NyQuil wears off and I need to take my second shot.

NyQuil

OK, this is stolen from Dennis Leary's No Cure for Cancer CD. It sums up how I feel about NyQuil perfectly. I went and got the original stuff (Now NyQuil D) which you have to see the pharmacist for and sign your life away. I have about a minute before it totally takes over my body, so here it is-

I love NyQuil. Man, I love it! I love it. I love it. I love it. It's the best thing shit ever invented. Isn't it, huh? I love the name alone. NyQuil - Capitol N, small Y, big fucking Q! I love that fucking Q, don't you!? What a great advertising idea! Put a huge fucking Q on the box. They'll get high and stare at it. "The Q is talking to me! The Q is talking to me!"

I love NyQuil, man. Because NyQuil has never changed, man. It's never changed. All the other medicines are doing that inner-child thing. "we know that there's a small child inside of you, so now we have grape and cherry and orange flavor." Not NyQuil! They still have the original green death fucking flavor! You know why!? Because it doesn't matter what it tastes like! It's so strong you go, "*wheeze* Hey this stuff really tastes like.." Bang! Yer in the coma already! "What happened?" "He said tastes like and he went right into the coma, it was unbelievable!" We have reached the point where the over the counter drugs are actually stronger than anything you can buy on the street. It says on the back of the NyQuil box, on the back of the box it says, "May cause drowsiness." It should say, "Don't make any fucking plans! Kiss your family and friends goodbye. Say hello to Klaus!" NyQuil, NyQuil, NyQuil, we love you! You giant fucking Q!

NyQuil is the secret for all you twelve step recovery program people. Yes, all you AA people, NyQuil is the key! It's the thirteenth fucking step! You can drink it! It's over the counter! Drink as much as you want. "Are you drunk?" "No! I have a cold. Same cold I've had for two years. I just can't seem to shake it. I'm high as a kite and my teeth are green. Merry fucking Christmas!"

Link that is pretty damn funny....

A new game available in Japan for the Wii....

http://www.thinkgeek.com/stuff/41/superpiipii.html

All of this has caused me to think...

First an update- Shrek is doing better. He had an angioplasty and that showed no blockages. His potassium levels are starting to rise finally and he should be out of the hospital soon, and back to work in a week or two. If it's much longer than that I don't know if I'll be there.

All of this with Shrek has caused me to think. He's not healthy. I see that this lifestyle of travel, long hours and late night meals really takes a toll on someone physically, emotionally and mentally. I realize that I still have time before I am fully immersed to the point of No Return. I may be only a few days away from it, but I can still get out. With that in mind, I've attached a copy of a letter I sent to the owner of my company.



I've not been happy lately. I've not been having fun lately. Seeing -name deleted- go to the hospital last week was really the last piece of the puzzle for me. It is with great sadness that I tell you that after 8 years, it is time for me to move on. With your permission, I'll stay on through the end of the NASCAR season, which should give the company time to find and train someone on the truck.

I appreciate all the opportunities I have had here over the past 8 years, but I don't think that there is anywhere for me to go with company name deleted. In order to be happy, and to give me an opportunity to get healthy, I need to come off the road. I am of no use to the company if I am not out on the road. Over the past few years, I think others have made this realization themselves, and took the opportunity to take a job with you that doesn't involve travelling. I don't see any more of these positions open.

The newsletter you sent out detailing how we can save money on health insurance bills by being more healthy showed that you may be slightly out of touch with our reality on the road. When exactly are we supposed to do all of that? It says that a key to being healthy is to establish a regular routine. It says another key to being healthy is to get regular copious amounts of sleep. I'm sorry, but that's just not possible in my current position. I have started in the past 4 months making a concerted effort to get in better shape. I can do a great job of it when I am home. On the road, it would entail going to the gym either at 4am before our 5:30am call, or at 9pm after we get back to the hotel. Doing either of those prevents regular sleep.

You will respond that I am well compensated for these sacrifices, and you are correct. I do have a handsome salary, but money can not buy happiness. When you stop and think about it though, what is my rate? I did rough math for the work that I actually did between November 1, 2007 and March 31, 2008 and my hourly rate ends up somewhere near 40.00/hour. That would make me the lowest paid person on the crew.

Add to all of the above the constant questioning and interference from the office and I've had enough. I know that everyone is well meaning and is "just trying to do their job", but guess what, so am I. I know what is best for us out here. I know how to keep track of items coming in and out. Some of my recent dealings with getting items repaired from the shop show me that they don't. I don't like being accused of losing something or hoarding something. I don't like having to go through steps to prove that we don't have something, despite what office personnel say. I dislike even more having emails sent out to the whole company saying that we've lost something that we in fact haven't. What is even more frustrating is that when it is found in the shop, all we get is a phone call saying that the office found it. No apology, nothing. This happens repeatedly and at some point, you'd think they'd realize that 95% of the time, we're right. When I first started working here, as a company we were the best at what we did. Now, we have the best trucks out there, but that may soon fall by the wayside if something is not done with the office staff.

I am not sure what I am going to do in the future. I do not have anything lined up at this point. I know that if I want to have a sense of normalcy in my life, I need to make this change. I shouldn't be feeling the way I do physically as a 32 year old. It shouldn't take me 3 months to get over a cold. I am getting too run down, and I need to change that before it gets to be too late. I saw my future last week, and I don't want to be taken away from work in an ambulance in away from home.

Sincerely,